A short-lived(we can only hope) series of brilliant advice for the latest in a long and glorious line of worthless candidates for the greatest job ever.

September 4, 2008:

Well, John, you've taken most of my advice.  Just remember: No Debating!
You're a POW!  Country First!
Also, if you really want the Republicans to win, trade places with Sarah Palin.  It's really your only chance.
Dear Sarah,
Now that you're the candidate, get some clothes that aren't from the '90's, and don't be from Alaska.



August 28, 2008:

Dear John,
As long as you're going to go ahead and waste your time and your wife's money in a futile attempt to fake out America just one more time, I thought I'd give you some advice so you can at least make it respectable:
1. Get a girl for a vice-prez nominee.  That will keep those 42 votes you're going to get from stupid-ass ex-Hillary supporters who seriously don't get it.
2. Don't piss off the racists, fag-haters, insurance company presidents, or Wal-Mart.  Cause that's about all the base you got left, kid.  Other than that, well, all your base are belong to us.
3. Continue to pound on the fact that you're a veteran.  A rich, rich veteran who toured the Green Zone in Iraq, once, with a hundred bodyguards.  A veteran that has consistently voted against veterans and active military personnel every single time he bothered to show up. Mmmmm...veteran.
4. Keep running that stupid commercial about some dude who tried to bomb the capitol (I love the way you crammed in a 9/11 reference).  By the time your base (see above) deciphers what the hell you're trying to say, the election will be over
5. Wait, maybe don't do that one.
6. Do not under any circumstances debate Obama.  He will fusticate you...Remember Nixon/Kennedy?  Oh, that's right, nobody but you does.
7. Remind racists to go out and vote.
8. Figure out why the troops you want to lead are sending more money to Obama than to you.
9. Get Dennis Kucinich more camera time.
10. Seriously, don't piss off the racists.